“Do you think I am attractive?” 

I was lying next to my boyfriend. We had a fun chat. And suddenly I popped this question. The mood shifted. I had this sudden urge to get validation from him that I was amazing. The sexiest. The hottest. What I did not know is that by asking this question, I was giving away my power. 

A couple of months ago, I met a middle-aged woman on the beach in Venao.  She was slightly overweight and her pale skin was sunburnt and wrinkled. Her voice was loud and her laughter felt harsh. She was definitely not the “beautiful woman” that I always thought of.  She was, however, incredibly captivating.  My shallow mind quickly got curious. “Wow, how come I feel so drawn to talk to her when she looks that way?”  I was too attracted to her not to begin the conversation. I asked what her secret was for her attractiveness. Her secret was this: 

“What would a woman who loves herself do?”  

As my relationship with my body has been something I’ve been thinking a lot about in recent years — not only the appearance but how well (or not well) I am taking care of my health — this question immediately shifted my perspective. 

During my birthday week in April this year, I met an exquisite lady.  She is truly gorgeous both inside and out.  However, her fake lashes, heavy makeup, and choice of clothes made me wonder if she knows how beautiful she is.  Seeing her got me thinking about how insecure I had been in my own attractiveness:

When the entire world said I was beautiful, why was I the one denying that? 

What made me believe I did not deserve love unless I lost that five pounds? 

What made me give my power away seeking his validation on my look?”  

Today, I believe what makes a woman attractive is her love for herself. A woman who unconditionally loves herself.  It is this embodiment of self-love that makes one attractive. She honors, takes care of, and treasures herself.  She is assured, present, and confident.  She does not hand her power to anyone else by letting others decide on her value.  Probably nobody but me.  It is that embodied presence where true attractiveness lies.  

What I notice is that men relax when women embody this presence. The embodied woman is self-assured in her own self-worth, so men don’t have to tiptoe around her to avoid triggering her insecurity.  In this relaxed space, intimacy deepens. 

Loving myself means loving everything about my whole being -- all my cells and atoms as they are. What is NOT loving myself is to be conditional or self-judging such as “I love everything except my fat ass.”  What is loving myself is taking care of myself — eating clean and balanced meals, working out, and resting.  What is loving myself is being at peace because what we have in our mind manifests in our body. 

Once we take care of ourselves in this way, the way our respective beauty manifests itself is mysterious so let it be!  We all are unique in our own ways — our looks, our personalities, our gifts. Look at our fingerprints as an example. So I rest in that uniqueness, honoring my body as it is. I embrace the unique expression of my physical self allowing me to explore and experience life. In this embrace, the question of “do you think I am attractive” becomes irrelevant because I know I am, not because of my look but because of my love for myself.