“Everything that seemingly happens externally is occurring in order to trigger something within us, to expand us and take us back to who we truly are.” ― Anita Moorjani, Dying to Be Me

Through my work so far, I have an unwavering belief that we are, in essence, love. We are the vast awareness and in that, we are all connected.  In my human life, it is my egoic patterns that make me lose touch with that truth.  So my work is to continue to be aware of these patterns and undo them. This work is endless, deeply emotional, and often gut-wrenching. And my deep trust in who we are in our truest essence continues to have me commit to this work no matter how difficult it is. 

I know when I am in touch with this essence or not. When I am in touch, I feel present, open, and at ease.  When my patterns are running my life, I feel heavy, constricted, and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I experienced this heaviness on Tuesday, September 21, 2021. I had just come back from my Hoffman Process teacher training over the weekend. And it was the day of the fall equinox. 

After I returned from the training, I checked my mail. And I was met with an unexpected card. It was from one of my ex boyfriends.  He had just participated in the Hoffman Process and wrote the letter to thank me for introducing him to the process.  He apologized for the pain that he caused because of his patterns.  

We broke up because I blamed him for not making me feel loved.  He had wanted more space in the relationship whenever I wanted to spend more time with him. I was unable to see his needs as his needs; I took that personally and played a victim. So I did what I knew best -- I broke up with him blaming him for not being capable of making me feel loved.  

We two remained as good friends. Afterall, he was an amazing human being and did not do anything wrong to me. For my next birthday, he brought me a cake and a gift.   

Then, the day came. I received a text from him saying he was in a serious relationship so wished to be no longer in touch. I felt as if daggers were piercing through my heart. Karma is a bitch because this was exactly what I had asked him in the beginning of our relationship -- I had asked him not to be in touch with his ex-girlfriend because of my own lowly vibrating insecurities. I sobbed for losing a dear friend. And I accepted what was and wished him the best luck respecting his choice and his new relationship.  The following year on my birthday, I did not hear from him at all.  I wished him happy birthday on his birthday and he did not respond. 

That was many months ago. And today, here I am, a letter from him in my hands. The letter that he went through a program in which I am being trained to be a teacher. 

In any standard, this was a sweet letter.  To me, it was more than that.  I was feeling all these feelings. Mostly I felt numb. Even as someone who is relentlessly honed in feeling the feelings and trained to discern her feelings, I could not name any emotions that I was experiencing.  I did not force anything, and just sat with it. 

With the letter, I went to a cafe in my building. I got a cup of ice coffee and sat down at a table outside. I read the letter over and over.  Do I miss him?  Am I touched? Am I proud of him?  Does he know that I am going to be a teacher for Hoffman?  Do I want to reach out to him?  Many thoughts crossed my mind.

Then, I headed back to where I was staying.  Ironically, I was staying at the building where he lived.  I had a full moon equinox meditation session with my teacher. But I could not sit still. I was distracted by that letter and my thoughts. After the meditation, I decided to call him. I was hesitant but wanted to connect him again in this space. After all, I am staying at his building. I had a sliver of hope that we could meet up at the rooftop, as we used to do.  I found him in my phone address book. I paused. If he did not pick up, I would just leave him a message, I thought. I pressed the “call” button. The phone rang. And the mechanical voice greeted me “the person you reached has not set up a voicemail…” I hung up. I stared at the ceiling for a few moments. “Maybe he is with his girlfriend and I am interrupting, I don’t want to cause any drama, so I should not call. But, he did his pattern work, so he should be able to talk more freely… or maybe my call did not go through at all.”  So I called him one more time.  Within a few seconds, the same, mechanical voice greeted me again. 

There, I felt swept by even heavier energy. I was upset. I was sad, disappointed, and annoyed. I was completely joyless. Then I decided to leave.  Staying in that building became unbearable. Maybe it is the neighborhood -- in the heart of SOMA surrounded by the tech companies, often run by ego and patterns.  Maybe it was the noise through the concrete walls. Maybe it was the memories I have in that building.  Whatever it was, I wanted to be close to nature. 

On my way to the airbnb, I blamed him again. “He just went through the Hoffman Process, but he hasn’t changed at all, he is the same.”  I then relied on my spirituality. “I forgive him, whatever, he and I are done anyways, so why do I care anyways.”  Neither felt good. Deep within, I knew either was a real solution to my suffering. I know that pain is a wonderful gateway to liberation only when I do my work. And often, that work means facing myself in the most honest way. This is painful. But the only way out is through.

Then it hit me -- it was yet again illuminating my deep belief that I am unlovable. His inaction was triggering to me because it was confirming the belief that I am unlovable.  This belief was so deeply rooted in me that when it surfaced on the conscious level from unconscious, I got tumbled in that energy. His inaction was merely being a mirror to my own belief. 

She acknowledged that this was happening because I am ready to work on this. Because I now know the real truth, the essence of who we are, pure love.  I am lovable not because of my pedigree or appearance or achievements, but because I exist. So now, I am ready to face the pattern “I am unlovable” and release that energy. 

When I trace this pattern back to my parents, I see how my mother may have felt that when my father was absent.  The earliest memory about this is when my father did not come home after midnight after he promised he would. I was maybe 7 years old.  She became anxious and would call him endlessly because he did not answer her calls. I was embarrassed by her actions even at that young age. And I took up on her belief that “I am unlovable” unconsciously.  Because, at age 7, I wanted to comfort her and be accepted by her by being like her. 

As I gained more awareness of my pattern, my friend had me do a shadow exercise that focused on forgiving, thanking, owning, and releasing. With her, I said these words out loud while sensing all the challenging feelings intensely and deeply.

“I forgive you for making me feel unlovable by not answering me and for not taking certain actions while we were dating.”

“I thank you for showing me that I carry the energy of needing your action to make up for the lack of doing my own work to feel loved.  Thank you for being my mirror showing me that I am still carrying this energy of feeling unlovable.”

“I see it clearly that this energy is still within me, wanting to feel validated and loved through your actions.”

“I am ready to release this energy so I can truly be in touch with my deeper essence of infinite love.”

The act of forgiving, thanking, owning, and releasing brought me a sense of ease. I clearly see how this is happening in divine timing, on the day of equinox, as I was met with the deep shame message just a few days before. It is about the time that I let go of that belief.  So I can expand and get back in touch with the divine love within.  

This belief of “I am unlovable” is a deep one for me. I am able to see how this pattern is alive not only with my ex boyfriend but also with my friends and colleagues.  What I did was to shine light on my own shadow so it is no longer a dark shadow for me. Because it is so deeply rooted, I do not expect this to be gone through this one exercise.  What I do is to be more aware and committed so I do not let this voice run my life. And whenever it does, because it will at times, I just come back to my essence of love over and over.