“It’s humid here. I am not liking this smell of humidity so I’d like to light up incense… and gosh, it’s so humid that my matches don’t even work. I am alone; maybe I feel lonely. But I am not in the mood to socialize with strangers. This room is small, gosh at least I have a private room.  Wow, this sound of waves… this is too powerful to relax. Gosh, I am here for three more weeks. And did I mention how humid it is here. Are there going to be bugs?”

As I am planning to be in Central America for a few months afterward, this worry makes me doubt — can I really do it?  I notice  fear of the unknown and  discomfort waving their hands and grinning at me. My chest feels heavy. I am resisting.

As I breathe more, I now can settle into the impermanence of all things.  Nothing is forever, no matter what. Even my fear and discomfort are going to pass.  Sometimes the idea of impermanence brings me tremendous sorrow — why did my mom have to die so young?  Today the idea of impermanence gives me relief.  I know my worries are going to pass. Perhaps in two hours when I go reef surfing on a boat. Perhaps in a week when I am in full swing with the training. Perhaps it will stay longer.  Whatever it is, I continue to invite myself to be open to all possibilities, without resisting or judging. 

As I settle into my fears in this dark room, where the only light is from my screen as I write, I now sense into my inner knowing. Knowing that I am doing the right thing by following my heart. Knowing that by taking myself out of my comfort zone, there is something waiting for me that will break me and reassemble me so I deepen my way of being. Knowing that I just need to trust because everything will be alright.

This is the decision and commitment I’ve made to be here right now.  It is totally normal to feel fear and discomfort.  My commitment is to be present with all these with my utmost sincerity.  Not to tune out because I am scared or bored. I am not running away or changing plans. I welcome them as they are.  A friend mentioned that “life is a gift that deserves to be lived fully, at any time with love and joy.”  Maybe I won’t be able to bring love and joy in all moments, and that’s ok.  What I do commit to is that I say YES to life —- just as I said YES to the invitation to Panama where I plunged into the unknowns and welcomed the fun, pleasures, and sensuality last week.  I have no idea what will emerge at the end of this 200-hour yoga teacher training. What I do know is that I trust that the universe is always looking out for me as it takes me on the rides. All I have to do is keep my heart open, bring my full self, and keep going.