Letter to my dear one who’s turning 30 today
My dear one,
Happy 30th birthday! I cannot believe that the smart young man whom I met ten years ago is now a 30-year-old adult! I want to celebrate this milestone with you from afar and have been thinking about how. For your 21st birthday, I got you a Hermes tie. Today, I am drawn to share something that is more dear to my heart. So I decided to write you a letter to share some of the lessons I’ve learned in my 30s so far.
Being in the 30s has been an amazing time to get intimate with oneself. I remember how excited I was to turn 30. Professionally, I felt like I was becoming more important. Personally, however, turning 30 came with a lot of pressure. The pressure whispered that I should be making more money, having certain titles, and getting married. Of course, I caved in and chased these things as hard as I could because I wanted to crush life. No matter how hard I tried, the performative narrative in my head said that I wasn’t good enough. This was causing angst in me. I felt anxious and unfulfilled. Not knowing how to handle these unpleasant feelings, I numbed them by overworking, drinking, and partying. I was good at distracting myself so I could temporarily forget about my suffering but as soon as I was alone, those feelings would return. In retrospect, this was probably why I did not like being alone in my younger days.
This suffering caused me to try many things and eventually led me to my healing path over the past five years. This journey took a turn from seeking external validations to looking within. By looking within, I discovered who I really am and accepted myself. I am able to sit with and notice my own thoughts, feelings, and memories as they arise without needing to run away from them. As I’ve faced all parts of myself, I’ve learned to accept all of them, even the ones that I am ashamed of. As I’ve integrated the shadows, I’ve discovered the love within. With this love, I no longer have to work to gain recognition, praise, and affirmations from others. I am, rather, focused on what my truth is and how I can stay aligned with my truth. Discovering this love has been incredibly liberating because it has allowed me to go and find ways to fulfill my own highest expression of myself that is authentic and true to who I am. And from that clarity, I am creating a path that is uniquely mine.
This love also helped me cultivate resilience. Resilience is not about becoming so tough that I don’t get hurt. Rather, it is about getting up and staying open and vulnerable even after I get hurt. I know getting hurt is hard. It is darn painful. So to make it a little bit easier, I extend that love to myself whenever I am in pain. When I extend kindness to myself, it is easier to be with whatever experience I am met with. When it is hard, I tell myself, “May I be happy” and “may I be at ease.” And I literally give myself a big hug with my arms holding each other. This makes the difficult experience, an inevitable part of life, somewhat easier to endure. And this is what I mean by being intimate with yourself --- it is about being with the experience that life brings, no matter how challenging or painful it is.
(Picture from your 21st birthday in 2011)
Gratitude is an antidote to many unpleasant feelings such as depression, anxiety, and unfulfillment. When my mind becomes quiet, I start to notice many things that I can be grateful for that I often take for granted. For example, I am grateful for this clean air so I can breathe. I am grateful for this moment right now because this moment is fleeting and I am never guaranteed the next moment. When I settle into noticing such subtle things in life, I rediscover the fragility and beauty of the life that I am given. I am so grateful that I can celebrate your milestone birthday today.
I acknowledge and honor the wise, sacred man in you today and forever.
With gratitude and love,
Aerin
