Have I Forgiven My Father
I came to New York two weeks ago when I was faced with the question, “Have I forgiven my father?”
I had been in this small beach town in Playa Venao in Panama for two months by then. My intention for this year is to be free from all my self-limiting beliefs. Oh boy, little did I know to wish that. Living the life of challenging the beliefs that have been part of my core identity has been, to say the least, excruciatingly difficult, yet incredibly healing and expansive. Many days, I struggled. The journey to Venao had been deeply emotional -- I experienced the highs of the highs and the lows of the lows. Living on the beach, I felt every wave was crashing on me, shedding my old self away, leaving me floating on the ocean. I desperately wanted to stand up but kept sinking in mud. My dear girlfriend in Venao one day even asked me, “Why are you so serious and have this heavy energy that’s so different from how I knew you last year?”
So when I was met with the question, “Have I forgiven my father?” I felt like a part of me was being shattered. I felt this pang that I experience when something true is being said. I thought I had forgiven him through all my work — Hoffman Process! Landmark! Therapies! I felt too drained to face this question. I have been on a journey to uncover my authentic self for a while now but am I really ready to face how the pattern of my father is alive in me? To accept how my father’s pattern that I hated so much is in my shadow? For God’s sake, what am I without the story that I told myself for 26 years?
I came to New York because I wanted to feel more supported -- from the solid land, from long friendships, from the familiarity of this city. I love the bustling energy here that is so alive as the city is rebounding back from the pandemic. This energy is creative, sophisticated, messy, diverse, and spontaneous.
Seeing a friend in NY who is going through a separation at the age when, my story believes that, my dad first had an affair, gave me a surprising perspective on my dad. He was only 36 years old when I was ten. He was younger than I am now! This made me so compassionate toward him and his decisions. I became curious about what kind of marriage he experienced with my mom. How he felt when he was seeking love and connection outside of the marriage. I noticed how little I know him about my dad as a person, not as Aerin’s father. Meeting my friend’s son and seeing how small he is, I felt the ensuing sadness. The ten-year-old me bore all the burden of knowing something that she should not have at that age. She disowned her parts because she wanted to please others so her father would not leave. She abandoned her own needs and emotions because she wanted her parents to be happy. She did what she thought was the right thing to feel safe and loved. I gave a big hug to that inner child and cried with her. I let her feel all the tears because she is safe now. I then called my father. We spoke. I asked all the questions that I wanted to ask. My father did not answer all and I can only imagine how awkward this could be for him. I know this will be a process. For myself, for him, and for our relationship. I wonder if this process would ever really end by reaching a certain destination. Just like life itself, the point of it may be the journey itself, not the destination. Whatever it is, I am proud that I took a giant stride forward.
The dynamic, masculine energy of New York (aka “get s**t done”) also gave me an inspiration for the book that I am writing. I have clarity on my next step as a coach. Perhaps more importantly, it reminds me of my superpower, which is being perceptive. My work is to honor this superpower so I contribute to this beautiful world as much as I can. And the first step of the contribution is to heal myself by forgiving and accepting my father, and myself.
As I am wrapping up my time in NY, I am overwhelmed with profound gratitude. How incredibly lucky am I to be met with lessons everywhere I go? How blessed am I to learn everything I am learning because of the way my dad has been? How incredibly lucky am I to feel this love in my heart? I have another one-way ticket to Panama and I am ready to go back into the journey on the beach. I know it won’t be an easy one and that’s OK. I fully trust the universe is showing me exactly what I need to go through. Because the only way out is through.
