Martin | Part 2: Rebirth “in the Kingdom of Heaven” (Im Himmelreich, Germany, July 2023)

Just like that, I found myself on my way to a quaint German town called Lindau to meet Martin. All I knew about Martin was the profound presence I had experienced while cutting vegetables alongside him during the month-long silent retreat. I had no idea where Lindau was and who he really was. I had no plans other than being with him. I trusted my inner intuition, which encouraged me to embrace the flow and explore whatever would unfold with Martin.

As I arrived at the train station, Martin greeted me with the same warm smile that had left an indelible impression from our time at the retreat. I felt my heart warm and safe. "Practice makes a presence," I thought to myself.

During our journey to his home, Martin and I quickly discovered that we shared a multitude of interests and experiences: meditation, the Hoffman Process, sacred medicine, tantra, and visits to spiritual communities around the world. We seemed to be cut from the same cloth. Except, of course, Martin had thirty more years of direct, encyclopedic experiences within the human potential movement.

I was utterly fascinated by Martin's life journey. He had trained with the legendary Stan Grof at Esalen during a time when psychedelic therapy was legal, some forty years ago. He had explored the Osho ashram in Poona, India, and had been instrumental in introducing and teaching the Hoffman Process in Europe three decades ago. Martin had even founded his own school for personal development, integrating various modalities. His adventures had taken him to India, the Himalayas, the Amazonian jungles, and Peru in days gone by.

After all these incredible explorations, Martin had transitioned into a dedicated dharma teacher, as he found the highest truth in this path. His journey was a testament to a life richly lived, filled with diverse experiences and profound wisdom.

Martin's vast knowledge and wealth of lived experiences have transformed our conversations into moments of great joy and learning for me. We delve into a wide array of topics, discussing everything under the sun: authenticity, integrity, ethics, intimacy, power, money, and even matters of the heart.

Beyond my admiration for Martin's knowledge, I deeply cherish his presence. It radiates kindness, love, depth, wisdom, and a sense of ease. Love seems to flow effortlessly through him, opening the door for me to access and express the love within myself even more profoundly.

Such a union seemed ripe for synchronicity to reveal itself: I had arrived in Lindau just in time to encounter Robin at Martin's house. Robin, who had already been talking about me—an Asian female Hoffman teacher from Korea living in California, also on a quest for truth—shared our connection with Dieter. Dieter, Martin's dear friend of over four decades, was intrigued and extended an invitation for me to visit.

Dieter and Martin had traversed various domains together, both worldly and spiritual, and had even co-taught the Hoffman Process in Germany. To put it simply, Dieter was a remarkable human being. During our meeting, the idea of conducting a private ceremony on Dieter's retreat site emerged. The prospect of being guided by two like-minded conscious explorers and former Hoffman teachers on sacred land, allowing me to dive deep within, was an opportunity I couldn't possibly refuse. Only a fool would turn down such an offer.

In preparation, I pick a tarot card.

Rebirth

This card depicts the evolution of consciousness as it is described by Nietzsche in his book, Thus Sparke Zarathustra. He speaks of the three levels of Camel, Lion, and Child. The camel is sleepy, dull, and self-satisfied…. Emerging from the camel is the lion…. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring out the truth. But this is not the end.

Finally, the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.

Whatever the space you are in right now, be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is time for growth and change.

Growth and change have been the defining elements of my life's journey. And here I am, embarking on a beautiful solo adventure in a place I never could have anticipated, a foreign and unexpected destination. Yet, despite the unfamiliarity, I feel profoundly embraced, secure, and surrounded by love.

This journey has illuminated a challenge I've grappled with for a significant part of my life: how I navigate my emotional unmet needs within the context of an intimate relationship. It has pinpointed the area where I need the most growth for my personal evolution: my capacity to simply exist in the tender space without the compulsion to act, seek validation, or make demands. This is an area of profound difficulty for me, a sort of "black hole" that I unconsciously get drawn into, often leaving me feeling miserable. It's a belief that's haunted me: "I don't feel loved unless you do XXX." This belief has caused pain not only for myself but also for those around me. It's my original wound, and now is the time to undergo its transformation, allowing me to achieve true freedom.

In my integration, I ponder the balance between asking others to meet my needs and taking it as my responsibility. It is only human to feel attached and be impacted in relationships. Yet ironically, it is a lot earlier for me to be independent and free. I remember a saying, "you are not strong enough to be dependent.” So what does a healthy interdependence in a relationship look like? How do I stay on my ground without getting lost in a relationship?

My choice is to invite others to share that space with me. When I extend an invitation, I am creating possibilities. This means I shall be also open to all outcomes without a hidden agenda or expectation. This means I accept a “No” as a response as wholeheartedly as a “Yes”. I recognize that others are doing their best to express their love in their unique way, and they are dealing with their own pain and life challenges. A "No" doesn't imply a lack of love; it may indicate their current availability or capacity. If that's the case, we can continue the conversation to explore what remains possible.

It dawns on me that I have not allowed myself to receive love. I blamed them that it was expressed differently from what I expected. When it was expressed in the way I wanted, I did not allow my heart to be touched by it because I was scared to become dependent. As a result, my fear of not being loved manifested itself into reality by rejecting love.

Being with the intense energy of wanting to be mirrored emotionally in a very specific - often unconscious - way, I am learning to accept others as they are, not what I want them to be. I am learning to surrender to that energy instead of resisting or acting out. In doing so, I get to savor the deeper layers of intimacy permeating our relationship in a whole new way.

On our last night, Martin says:

“Aerin, you are so gifted: the feminine qualities of your being - spontaneous, flowing, playful, curious — coupled with the masculine quality of your mind - sharp, focused, grounded, direct -- in your beautiful, young, and healthy body. That combination is a true power. Use that power wisely. Continue to develop a direct, valid cognition that pierces through into direct experience. The open sky is not a concept but a direct experience.”

I bow to him with the deepest reverence. As one knows when she found her teacher. And she continues on her journey trusting she will be with him soon.