Boredom, and the lessons from 10 day silent meditation
(Picture: Spirit Rock with the full moon on Oct 9, 2022)
“I am bored out of my mind.”
I am at a ten day silent meditation retreat at Spirit Rock. My body is here in the beautiful retreat ground; however, my mind has been everywhere but here.
I knew I was going to get bored. This was not my first rodeo; I had done a ten day Vipassana twice before. I am familiar with the guideline of the retreat to honor the mental silence by avoiding speaking, reading, and writing. Here I am, intentionally ignoring the guideline by not turning my phone so I can access the Kindle: “Might as well read the books that I’ve bought over the years!” For anyone who’s done this type of retreat, they would know that I just broke the cardinal rules.
By lunchtime on Day 2, I am so bored. I lie down on my bed staring at the ceiling. I am skipping the afternoon sit. I take some gummy bears, take out my phone, and read a book. I feel both relieved and guilty. It then suddenly hits me: “Wow, what happened to me? Since when I became a sucker for stimulants?”
In a life wanting to be free as a nomad and spiritual teacher, I somehow have become enslaved to stimulants: from Instagram to constant travels and new experiences. Even the Hoffman Process I teach gives me a kind of “high.” What an irony.
With this awareness, I am determined to get to the bottom of my boredom. I put aside everything that I brought to distract myself. And I start asking myself these questions.
“What is boredom to me?”
“What are the underlying beliefs about boredom that I experience unpleasant?”
“How do I experience boredom in my body?”
I sit with boredom for three days. I befriend boredom by observing and sensing my body sensations. Whenever my mind realizes that I am following a story, I bring my attention back to my body.
Then boredom reveals itself: boredom to me is this existential sense of loneliness. Especially having my best friend’s wedding coming up, I am sensing aloneness more acutely. I feel sad, jealous, shameful, and disappointed. I realize that I was unconsciously grieving the “loss” of my best friend as our relationship has been changing per her wedding and pregnancy. Turning away from my grief, I have been turning away from intimacy with my life.
On Day 5, I wake up with a sore throat. Headache, coughing, and fatigue ensue. I take two covid tests and they come back negative. Here I am, at an isolated, serene retreat center, I get sick. In a way, if anywhere, this is a perfect place to get sick – I am cradled in the healing meditative energy in the rolling hills of beautiful northern california. Healthy vegan food is available 24/7 and retreat staff could help me if I ever needed any assistance. My body knows it could relax here. My whole being goes through an intense purification for the next three days.
On Day 8, I wake up miraculously refreshed. My thinking is clear. My body is full of energy. When I sit in the meditation hall that morning, I notice this newfound level of stillness in me. In that stillness, I become intimate with my own life energy. I feel open, grounded, and spacious. In that vastness, my body sensations are experienced as they are. I realize that the stories that my mind makes up about boredom have lost the hooks. In that loosened grip, I no longer need to run away from boredom. I was no longer enslaved to it.
I have been to this space before. This space is pure and I am sensing the life energy through me. There exists a greater access to that deep knowing. Last time I was in this space, I got the message to write a book to bring healing in Korea. 8 months later, that book was published. Since then, it received heartfelt reviews on how my story has been touching many lives.
The rest of the retreat, my being was receptive to more messages. Without stimulants and distractions, I was poised to listen.
Change my website landing page phrase from “living well” to “living wisely.” “Living well” implies there exists “living unwell”, which is an ego based judgment. Having a direct experience of the non-dual space, what I am inspired by is to live wisely integrating all my experiences. The manifestation of “living wisely” is personal and unique with a shared foundation of no harm.
Do not chase money and/or power; instead, keep paying attention to the natural expression of heart. The path I am on — particularly giving voice to Asian and women -- is the path of my Goddess Warrior. I know that I am on the right path and I will be taken care of as I remain true and clean to myself.
Continue to be the authentic story teller. Share my stories of transformation as well as teachings of dharma as a light in the world. Explore writing with more discipline, producing a movie, and doing podcasts.
Bring this healing energy back to Korea. Explore building a place like Spirit Rock or launching a program like Hoffman Process.
Surrender and relax. I know enough. I have enough. I do enough. I am enough. So slow down. Paradoxically, in resting, I allow myself to receive. What I receive is what guides me on the path of living wisely.
After this powerful retreat, I return to San Francisco. Then I find out that my passport and green card are missing in an unexplainable way. I am scheduled to attend a five-week retreat in Costa Rica in a month for which I need both documents. At first, I am shocked and panicked; then I choose calmness and bring kindness to the situation and to myself. I still look into all the ways to make my Costa Rica trip happen for the next three days. In doing so, I am at ease because I know that I am fine in either way.
When I find out that traveling internationally in a month without a green card may be too consuming, I see how this is an opportunity to practice what I learned: Surrender. The stillness and inner peace is available to me here and now; I do not need yet another retreat for it. I am relaxing into this intimacy with stillness that I am.
