My path of awakening
“Clouds are like thoughts;
Out consciousness being the sky.
They come and go.
When I pay attention,
I can always see the sky.”
This morning, I was listening to Eugene Cash, a meditation teacher whom I deeply respect, and his dhamma talk on atonement. Atonement, he says, means “at-one-meant”, becoming one with the experience here and now. “I know what he’s talking about,” I nodded.
“Is my experience of atonement an example of self-actualizing or self-realizing?” I then became curious about the distinction between self-actualization and self-realization. I enjoy geeking out on this type of inquiry as this often reveals more than I know in my heart. While I’ve learned to trust my own direct experiences over any intellectual concepts, concepts are incredibly useful, and fun, to make sense of my experiences so I become more intimate with them.
So before I go further into my path of awakening, I’d first like to clarify how I am using these two terms, self-actualization and self-realization:
Self-actualization, used by a western psychologist Maslov in the hierarchy of needs, means realizing full potential like becoming the best self (ie best musician, best writer, etc)
Self-realization is to realize that I am already perfect, divine, and complete. The term is rooted in the eastern spirituality Advaita Vedanta.
To me, self-realization is about BEING while self-actualization is about BECOMING. Self-realization is HERE and NOW while self-actualization is in the future. The biggest distinction is that self-realization is dropping the ego while self-actualization is satisfying the ego.
With that, I reflected on my own transformation — my path of awakening — in the last few years that got accelerated by the suffering around my mom’s passing in 2017.
It started with self-awareness, which is becoming aware of myself from an ego-based standpoint and how I interact with the world. How liberating it was to notice that I was not my pain!
I then moved to self-exploration (“who am I?”) followed by self-discovery (“who I am”) and self-understanding where I became more intimate with myself by understanding why and how I think, feel, and do on my conscious egoic level as well as how my unconscious mind meets my shadow, the shameful, ugly and dark side that also makes up who I am.
On this path, I also experienced deep self-love. The previous phases of increasing self-knowledge helped me to see myself for who I am, and nurture myself with acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion.
During the pandemic, my journey led me to self-transformation. I investigated and shed many of the old limiting beliefs that were created by the small self (ego). I surrounded myself in a new community in the jungle of Central America so the chances of projecting or being projected was smaller. This phase felt disorienting and destabilizing. This was a phase that was a certain kind of death and rebirth. Coming out of it, I was more comfortable in my skin. I sought out far less external validation. I felt more expanded, free, and grounded. I was more in touch with the Big Self (Soul).
From this place, I’ve entered a phase of self-mastery. As I am developing my new identity as a teacher, coach, and writer in the personal transformation space, I see that my small self is now in service to the Big Self. In other words, the ego is in service to Soul’s desire. With this congruence, my inner and outer worlds are more aligned and balanced as well. So more harmony, wisdom, and peace.
The next phase is self-transcendence and self-realization. I believe the atonement that Eugene pointed to. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have direct experiences with these. In that, I was seeing through the ever-changing nature of the ego and thought and the illusion of attachment to all phenomena. Behind that, there was the vast, spacious, and eternal presence that pervades everything and everywhere. What remained was a pure radiance of being, a sacred union on Life. It was a true gift of grace from God, Spirit, or Divine.
I am not stabilized in experiencing the self-realization state constantly; I am not striving for it either. What I am committed to is preparing the soil of my inner garden so I can receive such a sacred gift whenever it comes. My preparation includes practicing tools from the Hoffman process and mindful meditation. These practices remind me to relax into this moment, dropping all preconceived identities and patterns. In that, I am authentic and mindful attending each moment. And that is how I integrate my path of awakening in living this life wisely.
“Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world” - Ramana Maharshi
