Money, Power, Sex

Today, I want to talk about Money, Power, Sex.  Why?  Because I felt like shit. It is Halloween today; I love this holiday but I’m alone and working nonstop. Well, actually I’ve been feeling shit for the past two weeks since I left the silent meditation retreat and arrived in Hawaii. I had my best friend’s wedding festivity just about a week ago, and that made me feel even more guilty about feeling shitty — "for god’s sake, I am at Four Seasons for a fun celebration on this beautiful beach in Hawaii, how can I feel shitty?” Finally being alone, my mind got busy today investigating this state of feeling shit. “Screw spiritual bypass (“we are all divine”) and screw gratitude bypass (“I am so thankful that at least, I have food to eat.”)” My mind went all out and it came up with three tempting stories as to why I feel shitty, and they are about Money, Power, and Sex.

Let’s start with MONEY. Since I left my corporate career and embarked on my journey, the most frequently asked question was this: “Are you not worried about money?”   My answer is “of course I am!”  Today, I got really worried: I received this big tax bill to pay when my investment portfolio is down 67% as of today. Liquidity and cash flow alert. How much runway do I have with my current cash now?

How about POWER?  As I’m preparing for my (hopefully last!) internship to teach at the Hoffman Process in less than two weeks, I feel more nervous because I know that I can be certified after this one, that is if I don’t screw up. So I am anxious. When I am anxious, I strive. I turn into a perfectionist: I don’t do anything else but work. I write all the scripts. I practice over and over. I ask the most minute (read: useless) questions to my teacher. I record myself presenting. As I was reviewing the recording – oh my god – I looked horrible. I sounded horrible. I WAS horrible. I felt completely powerless. 

SEX?  BAHO: Being Alone on Halloween in Oahu. (mic drop.)

“There you go, this is why you feel like shit.” My mind claimed. 

As my self-pity was about to kick in, I thought about getting a bottle of wine. Maybe some chocolate chip cookies as well.  Drinking away my frustration (“just a couple of glasses”) and eating away my anxiety (“it’s Halloween anyways”) has been a too familiar strategy throughout my adult years.  I know how this would work too well.

So I chose something different today: I chose to pause.

And I did what I have been practicing: I took a deep breath. 

I asked myself: “Are these stories true?” I was still overwhelmingly feeling shitty to explore this question properly. So I decided to move my body. I went to yoga. 

“What does “feeling shit” feel like in my body? Where do I feel this?”  On my mat, I examined. But I was still agitated. Everything around me felt annoying. I got critical of the yoga instructor. So I took a break to go to the bathroom in the middle of the class. In my downward-facing dog, all I wanted was a sip of crisp white Sancerre.  

By the end of the class, I noticed there was a tiny bit more space inside of me to be with “feeling shit.”  

So after the class, I sat still. I paid attention to my body. I paid attention to how my mind was running around making up all the stories. I noticed that these stories were pointing to potential problems that may happen in the future. They were still judging me for my decisions. They told me I should be worried. They compared me with others. I felt horrible. But I was able to continue to bring my attention back to my body. Because I knew that in this very present moment, I was free of any of those potential problems. I was simply on my yoga mat.

In that stillness, a layer of my small self died.  And I heard these messages:

For MONEY, these concerns are having me recommit to the path that I am on. I trust my spirit-led path and make decisions based on love. My time and energy are my most precious asset and I won't trade this because of fear. Instead, I will be more focused on applying my talent and skills in a creative way that is uniquely mine so the abundant energy can flow through as an exchange of energy. 

For POWER, where I am in this internship is reminding me of the beginner’s mind. It is teaching me humility, to trust and relax even when they sound paradoxical.  Acknowledging what I can improve on with such openness is an act of vulnerability and courage. In that, my true power lies. 

For SEX, whatever was meant to happen happened. I have learned my lessons. I trust that whoever I am meant to be with will show up when it’s the right time. 

After yoga, I went to a supermarket. Instead of wine, I ended up getting a box of sparkling water.  I love wine and I choose to use it only to celebrate.

On the ride back home, the sun was setting. The godly rays through the clouds were as if they were shining a light on the path that I had chosen. It is not that this path is absent of worries or struggles. This is the path, however, that is authentic hence free and joyous for me. 

On the ride back home, the sun was setting. Ever beautiful, unique, and blissful. The rays through the clouds were as if they were shining a light on the path that I had chosen. It is not that this path is absent of worries or struggles. This is the path, however, that is authentic hence free and joyous for me. 

At home, I poured a can of sparkling water into a wine glass. I sipped on it while catching the afterglow of the sunset in the sky. I still had that tax bill to pay, a ton of work to do, and was alone on the evening of Halloween.  I, however, felt triumphant, happily sober.