“I am fat”

My mom used to tell me the story, with such pride and an endearing sense of accomplishment, of how she put me on a diet when I was three years old. 

Apparently I was fat.  

“Aerin, if you are fat, nobody would love you.”  She said with much love because that’s what she truly believed. This was her way of expressing her love. And I know how much she loved me.

34 years later, I realized that her voice is still alive in me. 

Maybe it’s the age.

Maybe it’s covid. Or maybe because I don’t really care. Whatever it is, I cannot seem to shed that extra few pounds that I gained in the last year.

Today, I noticed that subconsciously, I am ashamed of being “fat.”  Deep inside, I may believe that I am unlovable because I am fat. 

What I know is that these subconscious beliefs are darn powerful. They drive my life without me knowing.  So it got me curious…

In what ways, is this belief being manifested in my life? 

How am I treating myself and others because I believe that I am unlovable when I am fat? 

How do I reject or test or dismiss love when I am fat? 

Who do I attract because of this belief? 

How do I compensate because of this belief?  How am I reacting or rebelling against this belief?

As I was pondering on these questions, I cannot help but wonder how I can expect others to love me when I believe I am unlovable. It is robbing me of the loving relationships that I want. And that is not the life that I desire.

So I sat down to spiritually reparent that little girl. 

I revisited the scene when I was three.  My mom gently put away the food from that child. This time, the message wasn’t “Stop eating because if you are fat, you are unlovable.” 

This time, the message was “I love you no matter what my dear one. It is unhealthy to overeat at this time because we had dinner and we are going to bed soon. Why don’t we enjoy a nice meal and snack tomorrow so we nourish our body in a nurturing way?”

As I repeat this, I feel compassion to both my mom and that little girl. I feel that my shame message gently loses its grip on me.  Behind that belief, I sense love and acceptance. So I choose to rest in that knowing. That, fat or not, I am lovable, I am love, and I am loving.