The Power of Deer Poop
“The tree that would grow to heaven must send its roots to hell.” - Nietzche
I just came back from Hoffman Process. This was the second time attending as a student as part of my training to become a Hoffman teacher. “How would this work when I know all presentations?!” I surprised myself as it turned out to be even more transformative than the first time.
One of the life changing insights I gained from the Process is this: "Like the deer poop, I am also disgusting, messy, disintegrating.” At first, I couldn’t believe that it was the deer poop that drew me on the breathtakingly beautiful ground of the retreat site. “What’s wrong with me? Am I disgusting? I hate being disgusting!”
I was so embarrassed of myself especially because I knew the exact teaching point of that particular experience we were in. I was so ashamed of who I am that I had prepared an alternative response.
Then an epiphany hit me: even the ugly deer poop belongs. It plays a vital role in the whole. The poop disintegrates and becomes the earth, grounding and nourishing all lives. Just like the deer poop, not only do I belong but also all parts of me belong.
This was powerful because it shed light on my pattern of bypassing the pain and sorrow by turning towards light, love, and divine. In doing so, I skipped the emotional, human part in me; I did not let myself be disappointed, sad or messy. I turned away from my own “deer poop.”
What’s so empowering in owning my own “deer poop” is that it allows me to accept the entanglement of all energies of life as they are. I am deeply connected with the universal consciousness so it was not an issue for me to see the world full of love, joy, and light. Because I am deeply connected with love, I can face darkness and sadness more daringly.
It’s like I am breaking through the prison wall that kept me safe in light - and light only. The mature Aerin today is so resilient that she can accept the complexity of our human existence as it is. She can acknowledge the interconnected as it is. She no longer needs to make it optimistic, mask it with gratitude, or find the refuge only in the light.
Integrating this experience, here are my commitments (what I call my “quad-mitment”; yes it’s a hoffman inside joke) coming out of the Process:
I accept my entirety (sad/happy, messy/polished, compulsive/intentional, drama/calm, alone/belonging, Korea/US, divine masculine/feminine) of authentic self as it is. All parts belong and make who I am.
I claim my power by owning my wholeness and occupying my back. While I honor light and goodness, I also acknowledge darkness and my capacity to cause harm.
I stay engaged by speaking up what is true for me with curiosity. I do not judge my own experience and trust that others are strong to be with my emotional truth.
I vow to deepen connection and intimacy by revealing my entirety of authentic self. The self that I love and am proud of.
I am ready to explore the richness of the darkness and more deeply grounded in my wholeness.
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I am so grateful for everyone who supported me (Liza, Hoffman Process, and my dear friends), for the 29 fellow spiritual warriors who fought along side with me, and for my teacher training cohort. I see you and I love you.
