“Mystery of life isn’t a problem to solve but a reality to be experienced. A process that cannot be understood by stopping it. We must move with the flow of the process. We must join it. Must flow with it. ”

— Movie "Dune"

** Opening note: No words would sufficiently describe my transcendental experience that took place on the ground of the Garbicz festival on Monday August 8, 2022. This write up is my attempt at capturing those ineffable moments as vividly as possible so I could remember and integrate. Anyone who was there and had similar accounts, feel free to reach out – I’d love to chat to deepen our understanding of (“What just happened?!”) and honor the sheer magic we co-created and were blessed to witness. **

First festival in Europe. I had no idea what I was signing up for. It was beyond what I could ever imagine even after having attended Burning Man six times and many other ceremonies and festivals across Central America, Mexico, and Asia.

What I experienced, if these words do any justice, was a religious, sacred ceremony that initiated me into a transcendental realm. In it, I felt my body dissolved into the droplets of mist, that then became the ocean. The ocean that was so vast that it could hold anything and everything, from the darkest sorrow to the most ecstatic joy.

This ceremonial experience began after the official festival ended when Mira and Friends hosted an all day after-party on Monday. It was opened by Caleesi and Sarah at noon followed by Avem at 3pm and Mira and Chris at 4pm. Yes, a superb line up with powerful female DJs!

These enigmatic witches (with all due respect) guided me on what I envisioned to be a musical journey which turned out to be a full-body journey of BEING. On this journey, any separation and boundaries of all senses evaporated: musical notes that landed on my ear became my vision that were being seen, not just heard. Then they reverberated through my entire body being felt and moved through. I became the music in the space of the infinite. How did it happen?

The only way I can make sense of this is the energy that each of us brought. There were perhaps a couple thousands of us gathered at the See stage located next to the lake for the after party. Every one of us, including myself, carried this vibe that was inevitable after five days of playing — exhausted, disintegrating, grudging. It wasn’t all rosy. What it was being real. There weren't any pretenses. Everyone brought what they had as they were, both dark and the last bits of excitement they could exert.

Holy goodness. Did Mira and Chris so masterfully orchestrate this into the most tribal, animalistic, primordial energy. Astounding, orgasmic, speechless. To the beat of the music they played, a mysterious portal opened up and led me to an enigmatic dimension that lay so far beyond my wildest imagination. It was timeless, unconditionally accepting, entirely present.

This portal took me on many journeys that were insightful, healing, and transformational. Here are three that I remember:

First space that opened up for me was this secretive space where the real “Garbicz festival” was taking place. I was reintroduced to my friends I camped with — Eddie, Linda, Judy, Youssef, Riad, Zhana, Gloria, Sean, Matteo, Joanna, Tommy, Jen, Svenja, Scott to name a few. “Re-introduced” because they happened to be fictional and only existed in this ephemeral festival. Even Eddie, who I have known for almost 20 years, turned out to be a mystical guide who came into my life only to lead me to this moment. We were dancing and laughing so hard celebrating this underground fantasy that was about to end. My heart was bursting with love for them. Then I realized that they actually exist in my life. “How amazing is it to get to have them in my life!” Tears of gratitude flowed down.

Then it hit me: my life itself is an ephemeral, precious, mysterious festival bubble that is also to end. Perhaps in 20, 30 years, or whenever it is meant to pop. I had the power to choose how to enjoy this festival that is my life.
**All it mattered was my intention. So I chose to be present and to feel everything.** My heart cracked wide open. Any remaining defenses melted a way. Overwhelmed and empowered with immense joy and appreciation, I cried for a long time.

**Second space I was guided to made me feel like I was the air: weightless, flowing, life giving.** I breathed the air through my nostrils. It spread throughout my body and transformed every cell it touched into the air. My entire being then morphed into the air, that pranayama, the life energy. The air that I exhaled was then inhaled by those around me, subsequently connecting all of us in this ethereal airy container. All of our bodies breathed in a natural rhythm of giving and receiving, influencing and being influenced by, expanding and contracting. The life energy flowed and ebbed.
**I was breathing the life energy, becoming one with it, and letting it flow through me. I was life itself.**

On my third journey, everything around me turned into countless shades of fractals. Every fractal was unique: No one fractal was better than the other. In its uniqueness, every fractal was perfect as it was individually and as part of the collective. Among different shades, there existed no binary perspective -- good or bad; men and women; you and I. There simply existed this infinite possibility of being. Everything, even those dark, disintegrating energy was entangled as part of the present moment. Everything, including that dark energy, was accepted in its entirety as it was. The next moment was organically arose becoming the present moment. In this natural, subtle energetic flow, there was no will or judgment. Just simple awareness witnessing the forward unfolding. This was the field of love.

In this acceptance, I was able to accept myself as I am with profound ease. There was no need to hide or feel embarrassed or effort. I was perfect in being. I was able to rest in my own being, cradled in the incredible stillness that was myself. Tensions melted away. Blockages that got in the way of my authentic self-expression were coughed out.

I processed deep sorrow; I knew it had existed in me but not mine. It belonged to my Korean female lineage. Lots of “han (한)”, violently repressed and forced to conform to survive. I may be the first generation of Korean women who get to experience an insurmountable level of freedom. So I honored all my female ancestors including my mother and grandmother who came before me and did all the work to make this moment possible. Tears continued to flow down, this time, cleansing, purifying, and healing — Not just me but all the women in my lineage and in our human history.

After eight hours of the journey, the music finally stopped. I was brought back to this dimension. I noticed the extreme fatigue that started settling in my legs. It turned out that I had been dancing right in front of the DJ for the past five hours with no water break or bathroom visits.

“What just happened?” I looked around disoriented and perplexed. I made eye contact with a woman who was dancing next to me. In awe and with teary eyes, she spoke: “Whatever happened, I wish every human being on earth had an opportunity to experience this.” We hugged each other crying, honoring such privilege of being part of and witnessing this beautiful, divine ceremony.

Mira and Chris got a standing ovation. What a feat. Everyone was crying. Everything, every effort, sweat, and money that went into making this possible – from flying red eye from San Francisco to Berlin to dragging the camping gear in this Polish forest under the scorching heat of continental European — was absolutely worth it. Everything that happened in my life seemed to have conspired to lead to this moment. I felt complete.

I sat down on the stage. I was bathing in that residual energy. I was exhausted and thirsty. A man sat down a couple feet away. He then took out bags of dried mango strips, canned beers, and cigarettes. He offered all. We exchanged eye contact. We instantly knew we both journeyed into the same space. I told him how I felt reborn and wanted to give myself a new name to mark this remarkable rebirth and asked him what name I should choose. “That is up to you,” he said. Upon pondering, I decided on the same name, Aerin. Aerin means “love people” in Chinese ("爱邻”), and that’s exactly how I am inspired to be in my life.

Coming out of this experience, as Aerin, here are some ways I am committed to be in my life:

Present: There is only the present moment. Being present is love. My attention is the biggest gift.
Intentional: Acknowledging the tremendous power I have that I can create and manifest; be intentional about directing my energy
Authentic: I am already and always perfect as I am; share myself in the most authentic way because that is the gift
Taking care of my body: It is the temple that allows me to experience life
Feeling: With the newfound understanding of what it means to EXPERIENCE, fully experience and really feel it in heart
Taking time to energetically align with others (ie breathing together or intentional hugging)

In closing, some experiences shift people in a way that is so fundamental that they are changed forever. Garbicz was that for me. And for this, I am deeply grateful. Five days later, on the other side of the world, as I am writing this and reminiscing, my eyes are teared up again. Carrying this in my heart, I am determined to live my life as an even truer version of Aerin today and forever.

Last but not least, I wrote everything on this article, and yet, I didn’t; it was the life energy living through me that had me to type so that love can spread.

Photo credit: Thank you for gifting amazing photos, Nicolas De Panam

Music credit to the DJs: Caleesi, Sara Kreis, Mira Kater, Chris Schwarzwalder, Avem, RYX, Mimilove.

Thank you mom and dad who birthed me made this possible. Thank you Garbicz and Poland for hosting on your land. Thank you everyone who made this possible.

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