What I learned from a 9 year old
**Background: This is a letter I wrote to a 9 year old, a son of my dear friend, who’s name is changed to Litcht for privacy. It was intended to be a gift for his 18th birthday and ended up to be a gift for myself recording the lessons I learned from being with him. Because children are the best teachers.
Dear Licht,
My name is Aerin. I am writing this letter to you to celebrate your 18th birthday. That would be nine years from this moment of writing. And that would be doubling your time on earth from today. How cool! Happy Birthday to you, Licht!
Today is March 13th, 2022. I am in my flight from Liberia, Costa Rica to San Francisco, USA. We had just spent a week together, six days in Nosara and a day in Tamarindo. You have been on a three-week long father-son trip in this country what you call “a beautiful land.” It was my desire to spend time with your father that led me to join you. Your father was very deliberate and thoughtful in giving birth to this idea of having me join because he wanted to ensure that you have a wonderful experience. We did our best planning and surrendered to what wanted to be created. And one of the things that got created was this sweet, mischievous, and loving connection between you and I. It is from our connection that I learned so much about joy, integrity, and innocence, the very qualities that the 9-year-old Licht exhibited through and through.
9-year-old Licht is full of energy. He is funny, thoughtful, and fair. He has a kind heart, speaks his truth, and expresses himself freely. Witnessing these qualities in you touched my heart so deeply. It is from this heart, I decided to write this letter. It is my way of remembering our time together, honoring you, and reminding you of that joy, integrity, and preciousness that you taught me on your 18th birthday.
Why wait until your 18th birthday to share this? It is because I would like to celebrate your milestone birthday -- the one that symbolizes an initiation into a young adulthood, becoming of a man as you embark on your journey -- by reflecting back the nuggets of life lessons that you taught me.
When you turn 18 in 2031, I am curious how history would recall March 2022. Do you remember that we all had to wear a mask to go into the store to buy the yogurt even in Costa Rica? Do you remember that song you sang that had the melody of “Jingle Bells” but the word “Jingle Bell” was replaced with the word “mask” in Dutch? Just as this “Covid Pandemic” is seemingly coming to an end after two years of hiatus, Russia has invaded Ukraine in a war killing civilians and shedding blood. Poignant times like this, fear is also palpable.
When you turn 18 in 2031, I also hope that you remember that even with this prevailing fear, we can always choose to live from the place of joy within. Indeed, it was our time together that gifted me this realization so I would like to share three particular memories, perhaps they touch your heart as deeply as they did mine.
I. “I don’t know” (Speaking truth and integrity)
A few days ago, I asked you the following question while you were in a hammock.
“Licht, will you hang out with me even when you are 18 years old?”
You said, “I don’t know. Maybe Yes and maybe No”
I paused. It was because that was the truth. And I did not expect to hear such truth from a child.
“Licht, you are so courageous to speak your truth. When I was your age, I don’t think I was able to say that. I would have said Yes to make others happy.”
“What happens when you say No? It’s just a No, and if they don’t like your answer, they don’t like your answer." You spoke so painstakingly, in your nine-year-old simple vocabulary.
In that moment, I sensed your fierce fairness and expression of truth. I call this integrity. Witnessing integrity in a nine-year-old child shifted something profound inside of me. When I was around that age, I was eager to please others by limiting self-expression. Perhaps this was necessary growing up in Korea. Perhaps it served me well as I was well liked. However, as an adult, I realized that I would much be not liked by who I am – the whole, integral, authentic self – than be liked by who I am not. Seeing you doing exactly that as a child renewed my commitment for integrity.
On your birthday, I invite you to choose your integrity over and over even in the face of fear, whatever that may be (in my case was the fear of being disliked). Yes, you will learn how to do so with sensitivity and care as you grow older and your father is a master at this. Living with integrity is loving yourself and honoring your values, which are exactly what I would want for your life.
II. “What are you afraid of?” (Overcoming fear)
On our last day together, we were in a pool in Seis Playas Hotel in Tamarindo. Your dad was sneaking in a disco nap so it was just you and I in the water. I was quite exhausted from the scorching heat earlier in the day but decided to remain in the pool so I could spend the last afternoon with you.
In the pool, amazed by how comfortable and nimble you were in the water, I was observing your aqua tricks – backflips, front flips, jumps… Suddenly, I wanted to try a backflip.
“Licht, can you teach me how to do a backflip?”
You enthusiastically demonstrated. You encouraged me to try. You offered to witness in the water with your goggles on. I welcomed all your bids and said yes. Just about to kick the pool wall to launch into the back flip in the water, I stopped. You looked at me perplexed.
“I am scared,” I replied.
“What are you scared of?” You inquired in your matter-of-factly tone with the hints of curiosity, care, and encouragement. Here we are, a 37-year woman who loves water and is twice taller than you just decided to quit because she was scared. Your invitation to examine my fear led me to an epiphany -- There was nothing that I was actually scared of other than my own stories that my mind created.
So I tried. This time, I threw myself into it. What was the worst thing that could happen? My flip to look less than graceful and you burst into laughter? I was absolutely ready to be horrified by your laughter if I failed. And in reality, you gave me 7.8 out of 10, elated with the performance on my very first attempt -- the first ever flip in my 37 years old living! The rest of the afternoon became our fun play time as laughter flowed in to transform any bits of fear left behind into light.
I had been on my own journey to be fearless for many years by now in 2022. I learned to be fearless when I present in front of some of world’s most powerful executives. I learned to be fearless when I am met with the darkest, most painful loneliness. It was in the most unexpected place – in a safe, warm swimming pool – that I was met with my fear. It was from the most unexpected person – from a 9-year-old child – that I was invited to face my fear. As a result, I am a bit more fearless and a bit more trusting today. For that, I am grateful for you.
On your 18th birthday, what are you afraid of? How does fear get in the way of living the full life you have? I invite you to take a step – even if just a small one step – forward. You will then realize that there is nothing to be scared as the fear transforms into something but to be fearful of.
III. “Do you like my daddy?” (Innocent inquiry & Preciousness)
“Can I share this chocolate with you? They are so good!” (Pointing at a small piece of chocolate that may not be enough to share)
“Why do you look 20 years old?”
“Do you like my daddy?”
“You are coming to Amsterdam? Yay! When is June? That’s so far away.”
“I am going to miss you.”
Oh gosh, those exquisite, innocent inquiries from the 9-year-old Licht! I admire these moments so much as I feel trusted, cared for, and connected with you.
There are many moments when my heart melts because you were so kind, inclusive, and sweet. Here are a couple that are alive in me as I reflect our time together:
On this one particular evening, we were walking back from dinner in Nosara. You were skipping ahead of us to the rhythm of your singing with your arms swinging back and forth. It was a dark and quiet night. All we heard, with the sound of crickets vibrating through the warm evening air, was your whistling and singing. The lyric went something like “today was a wonderful day with Aerin and daddy” on repeat.
On our last day, we visited the world’s largest labyrinth. Walking in a labyrinth towards its center symbolizes reaching our own center. When we got to the center, you were hugging your dad, and I stood a few steps away, emerging in my own experience while honoring the space between you and your dad. Then I heard your voice calling my name. Your hand gestured to invite me to your hug with your dad. There was openness, warmth, and love. I walked over. You extended your arm and put it around my waist and another around your dad. Three of us embraced. We were indeed reaching our own center, under the Moon, in the center of this magnificent cactus labyrinth.
The impact of experiencing your preciousness was profound for me as it allowed me to see my own, which I had been struggling with for some time. On your birthday, I invite you to inquire on your own preciousness, and sing from your heart. No matter how old we become or whatever challenges life presents, let’s stay in touch with our essence with innocent inquiry and preciousness.
“Children are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself”, a Sufi poet Kahlil Gibran wrote. Even though you are no longer a child, you --- and we all -- are the Life’s longing for itself. The truth is that I do not know if I would be in your life on your 18th birthday. I don’t even know if you would remember me. My hope is that I would be there to celebrate you in person. And whatever my future holds that would become your present in this moment as you are reading this letter, I wish you a wonderful birthday where you do remember that you are Life’s longing for itself no matter what. And that you continue on your adventure with integrity, courage, and preciousness today and forever.
With love and light,
Aerin
PS - I hope you get to have your favorite pasta for your birthday dinner.
