Who Am I?

Yesterday, I felt like I was swept in giant waves and got tumbled in them against my will. I know that feeling because I had been lost in that energy  many times before.  Both figuratively and literally.  

This time, this energy was about seeing so much wealth in the Bay Area. And I was somewhat triggered by it.  I had just spent an amazing weekend at these beautiful resorts in the wine country surrounded by well-to-do friends.  Some have just bought a big house, some are going on big vacations. There was a moment that I thought about my decisions to leave the Corporate America, and the paychecks.  I noticed a part of me asking “what if.”  What if I stayed, and led our California business as once suggested to me?  I would for sure have made seven figures in my income. Even though I am certain of my decision, it still made me feel triggered. 

On Sunday evening, I watched Dr Gabor Mate’s “Wisdom of Trauma”, a documentary of the work he has been doing for healing trauma in our world.  Dr Mate did many things. One of them is to spend 12 years working with drug addicts in the downtown Vancouver, which has apparently a worse homeless problem than downtown SF, which is simply unfathomable.  While watching this, I couldn’t help but feeling upset at the society that marginalizes people with its energy to conform lacking love and care for them. I then became upset at myself for not doing more for those in needs. In the last decade I have lived in the Bay Area, how many times have I really made an eye contact with the homeless people?  They are also human, and as human, we all want to feel connected.  They deserve dignity. Here I am, wanting to be the “healer” and I have done nothing for them.  In my day to day, I live an insulated life working with those who are extremely privileged as a coach. I became even more triggered.

When these two things happened, I felt pulled away. Pulled away from my center. I became agitated. And when I feel agitated, my pattern of wanting to run away shows up. I thought about going back to Venao or to another meditation retreat center. I found myself looking for flights to go back to the jungle.

I took a deep breath. Because I know that running away is not a solution. So I decided to meditate. I sat for more than an hour. Even after this long sit, something deep inside of me continued to feel heavy.

Then I had enlightening conversations with two wonderful women. They had me ask this self-inquiry question again that I’ve asked many times before: 

“Who am I”

I am not my bank account, not my nationality, not the titles I put on such as a coach or a writer. 

Underneath all my conditioning and patterns, I am this vast Awareness. 

That said, I am still human. And in this humanness, I notice that I have many patterns that I am not even aware of.  Wanting to conform to the “societal dream” so I feel belong. What to strive for, how to behave, and what to desire.  

Then I realized what I was triggered by. 

… It was not about the wealth. It was my BELIEF about what and how wealth “should” be.

… It was not about my work as a “healer.” It was about my BELIEF about what “healer” should do or look like.

Those beliefs are my very patterns. Perhaps rebelling against that that “societal dream” is or conforming to the image that I am taught to belief. As I shed light on my own beliefs, I could feel their grip on me got loose. I started to feel calm and expansive again. I felt free. Freedom is not just about doing whatever I want to do. It is more than that. It is about expressing my authentic self in an unobstructed way.

My work is to undo those patterns one by one so I am in touch with my Awareness. Spirituality is about living my very human life with this Awareness. It is not about living in an ashram in a jungle. It is about doing the dishes or waiting in line at a grocery store with this sense of mindfulness.

When I was visiting NYC in April, I fell asleep during my meditation one day. I got up disoriented thinking I had never left NYC in 2012. And that everything that happened from the day I left NYC in February 2012 and to that day in April 2021 was just a dream.

Life is like that dream. We are born and die. Everything that happens in between is a dream. I have the power to make the dream into MY own dream. I want to dream while being in touch with that Awareness, the fundamental existence of my being.

Later yesterday, my friend forwarded an email that I sent to him back in 2007:

I was surprised to read this because that 22 year old Aerin knew exactly what she wanted so clearly.  Even my love for writing! And then I got swept away and got tumbled by this Matrix-like energy.  So I feel belong, loved, and successful by this world I live in.

Today, the 37 year old Aerin has the same dream. With a lot more awareness and commitment to be myself and to live my dream in my own unique, authentic way. My dream to have a balanced life, happy, healthy, hardworking, loving and helping. And I am living that dream now.  In my own humanness, I get lost even when I am living my dream. Still affected by the larger energy feeling doubt, embarrassment, and confusion. And that’s ok. I just come back to this Awareness again and again, with the sense of joy, play, and service.